Dec. 8 Advent Calendar: This is why we can’t have nice things

-HANDGUIDE FOR MOLDING OF A SOCIALLY WELL ADJUSTED HUMAN-


“An excerpt from Chapter-3: Nice Things”

Sometimes, things that are nice, or more frequently, expensive (the two often go hand in hand), become unserviceable due to misuse. In other words:

Sometimes nice things break.

This is a shame because nice things, are usually nice.

However, nice things are not nice when they break. This is because things (even if they are not of the nice variety) lose value when they break. Value has a good deal to do with price, price has a good deal to do with expense, and as said before, high expense and general niceness go hand in hand; as one goes up, so will the other, and as one goes down, that’s right, the other goes down too. So, if a nice thing breaks, the value, and therefore, expensiveness, of the nice thing goes down. The lower the expensiveness, the lower the niceness.*

Nice things are also fragile.

In fact, 82% of nice things are highly fragile. The other 18% are not fragile, but owners believe that because their things are nice, they must be fragile. Do not correct the owners if they wrongly believe that their nice things are fragile. If you do, in increase the chance of a class II confrontation by 37%, and unintentional offense by 16%.

As discussed in the previous section, you should collect as many nice things as possible. Nice things increase your Social Value. Your Social Value is very important. When you have collected nice things, you should always keep them in a safe place. The safe place should protect your nice things to an adequate capacity, befitting of the things level of niceness. Nice things should always be visible, even while in a safe place, otherwise nobody will be able see your nice things. If nobody sees your nice things, they do not exist, and are not valuable. Things that do not exist do not improve your Social Value. Maintaining high Social Value is very important. Social Value is very important. So, you must always be sure your nice things are in a visible and secure safe place.

*Sometimes nice things are not expensive, or perhaps even free. The problem with these things is most people will not believe that they are actually nice. If they do not believe your things are actually nice, they will not express approval or admiration of you or your nice thing. You are a human, so you need approval and admiration of you and your things to feel good. Approval and admiration also improve your Social Value. Social Value is very important.

Dec. 6 Advent Calendar: The one song that always makes me cry

I’m entirely not sure why, but Neil Young’s ‘Old Man’ always makes me tear up. I wish I could say how it does this to me, but I can’t put my finger on it exactly. I’m not sure why Neil Young wrote the song; as far as I know, it’s about an an old groundskeeper that lived on a ranch he owned in California. Basically it’s not a particularly special piece of music according to Mr. Young. For me, it’s the most moving piece of music I have ever heard. Here’s video:

It makes me sad, almost depressed, but I think it just a special type of sad; the type of sad that you feel when you look at a sad thing. It’s the type of sad that comes from seeing something that once meant something to you in a dilapidated state. You look on, all the while wishing things could have been different. Wishing, praying, that you will someday be able to look upon this wreck, and see a silver lining. But as you pray, you curse that which has been ruin under your breath. Or perhaps pray under your crusings. You look at the once-was mess that you used to know and, and you cry. But you also smile. You smile as you blink tears away trying to get a better look, because it could have been you. As much as you once loved or hated or feared whatever it is that you’re looking at, you’re just glad you got out before it fell. You look only for a short while. It’s a damn shame, but there isn’t a thing you can do. You walk away, and slowly, the long shadow cast by the ruble fades behind you. So I think thats why the song makes me cry; it makes me think of a good man I once knew, as the wreck that he is now, and it reminds me that there was damn little I could have done, and it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.

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Dec. 5 Advent Calendar: In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt- “Sweet Little Lies.” PART 1.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Sweet Little Lies.”

If you haven’t read it, the prompt is a question. It asks ‘What are your (readers) personal beliefs on lying’. Basically. Well maybe not exactly, but that’s what I can remember so… That’s what I am writing about. I’m sorry.

My father was the best liar I know. I don’t mean this in a negative light, he is just great at lying. This skill of course was the end of his marriage. However, he was also an alcoholic, drug abusing, bipolar train wreck, and by the time I was five, he was out of the picture completely. He had left my family in shambles. But, my mother is of tough Aussie convict stock, and in a few years we were on our feet and doing well. I used to hold a lot of stuff against him, but recently I decided to let go; he is a man who made mistakes, and for those mistakes he suffers. He hasn’t been allowed to regularly see any of us (my siblings and I) for over 12 years. Despite what he did, he loves his family, and he is punished by our absence. He screwed me over in many ways, but he taught me how to lie.

While this may seem like a really negative skill, trust me it’s not. None the less, lying, as it is generally viewed, is a massive social faux-pas if not a malicous crime. If you get ‘caught’ in a lie, the punishment is often much greater than the punishment for other crimes. If get caught even once or twice, you are branded a liar (talk about a crimson letter). If you tell a lie think you’re a jerk. Basically lies are viewed as dirty tactics for dirty people. This is absolute bull shit.

Its no secret that everyone tells lies. It is very common knowledge. So, why does everybody seem to think that it is the worst of crimes? Short answer:

Everybody takes themselves way too seriously.

When we get lied to, we feel as if a personal affront has been made. It’s personal. We think that the offending party has directly insulted our intelligence, disregarded our trust, and dishonoured our person. In essence, we feel a lie is unworthy of us, and when realize we have been lied to, we get our feelings hurt. But everyone lies, so… what’s the deal? As I see it, we get offended so that the perfect balance of truth and untruth is maintained. If we all just let lies go, we would get trampled. People wouldn’t even lie to us; we don’t do anything when we know we have been lied too, so who cares. This seems like a possible benefit in the beginning; everyone being honest, nobody giving a shit otherwise. Eventually however, just as we gave up lying because nobody cared to rebuke us, we will give up doing the right thing because nobody cares. So, when we express offence at a lie, we shame the liar, nobody like to be shamed so the liar tries to lie less (I would say ‘the liar stops lying’ but as we know, that ain’t happenin’).

So if we get offended by lies to keep people from lying, why do we lie? Short answer:

We as humans, hate confrontation and the shame involved with it.

When you do something you know you’re not supposed to be doing and get caught, if you think you can change the story to make yourself look better, you most likely will. You don’t want to admit you just cut someone off because you were inconsiderate, you want to claim you had to get to a job interview. You lie so that things smooth over nicely for the other person and often yourself. You don’t want to tell your Grandmother that you never her fruit cake because you hate it, you want to tell her you can’t eat it because you are allergic to the stearic acid in the cake. You lie so as not to offend. So you lie to keep the peace.

What a wonderfully backward system: You lie so you don’t offend people, and you get offended by lies so that people don’t lie to you.

Dec. 4 Advent Calendar: Phone Etiquette (etiquette… heh, what a dumb sounding word)

So… apparently its the ninth. Just pretend like you didn’t know that. I want to get back on track with these advent posts so I will post more per day; hence the quality is going to suffer a little.

Ha… Ha… *sigh* That is a lie. The how can quality suffer if it’s already the poorest it can be. Like, if the quality of my posts could be measured through mass, and higher the mass the lower the quality and vice-versa, then my posts would be massive stars. Super massive stars. Oh, wait… what’s… oh, okay. So it turns out super massive stars turn into supermassive black holes. Great. My posts are black holes. Well, without further ado, lets make another black hole!

The Advent part of my post:

When people you don’t know (or do know) call, you can respectfully answer like an adult. Or… you could pick up the phone, and before they get a chance to talk, you could say:

“Hi, I’d like to order 3 _____s, a bottle of _____, and extra sauce please. The address is ______. Thats in (insert obscure northern german village). Thanks mate.” -Hang up-

Or if people call you asking to speak to someone else:

“Sure, you don’t need my permission”  -Hang up-

If someone ask you where someone else is:

“Hell.” (Or heaven, respectively)

If you don’t want to talk but don’t want to be rude (this only works if you’re driving):

-slam on the brakes while honking the horn- “OH (insert prefered explicative)! Oh god, ohhhhh god… I’m gonna have to have to call you back _____. I think I just hit  ____________.”  (‘my Grandma’ works well here)

If you don’t want to talk but don’t want to be rude (when you’re watching TV):

“Sorry ______, I can’t talk right now. I’m uh, at a… party, church, thingy… Its a, um… a funeral.” -to yourself- (“WHY did I say that”) “Yeah… its a funeral… for… my uh, (looking around for inspiration, gaze lands on TV) my viagra… penis… doctor… -to yourself- (“really, my viagra penis doctor”) Yeah, uh he was the guy that wrote my viagra prescription… (realizing you’re a woman/man with any self respect what so ever) But I didn’t need them…   Yeah I um, I think I should hang. The uh service is about to start.”

Or if you need to stop the CIA from tracking you:

“Hey ______ I am going through a tunnel.” -Throw phone as far as possible. Into water or directly at a wall are best.-

If you just need to hang up:

“I am going to hang up now. Go fuck yourself. Please.”

Dec. 3 Advent Calendar

(okay, you can do this, short advent post, take 3)

Over the course of my existence, I have met many people. Maybe we all feel this way, but out of those I have met, some are real characters. Some of those are real characters. The kind of folks that make you say, and I quote; “…wat…”. That’s right; you get so confused by them, that you forget the h in what. What’s more, you don’t even capitalize! you forget… Just like that. It can hard to tell if a person capitalizes when they talk, but sometimes; you just know you didn’t. It is some weapons grade confusion that these guys throw at you. But for all of the nonsense they send your way, they often give some good advice. Or rather, the confusing things they say can be misinterpreted as advice. Good advice. Really good advice. In fact one of these mystic-like people gave me the 3 best bits of advice I ever got. The guy I am referencing is, not surprisingly, the wisest person I know. His IQ is in 130-140 range, but you would never know; when you meet him, he looks, talks, and acts like he is stoned of his ass. When you engage him in a conversation though, its like you speak with the demigod son of Aesop and Athena. I am blessed to know some really wise people, but this guy is by far the wisest; I can say that confidently, as, he one of the few people I know, that does what ever the fuck his heart desires. Unsurprisingly, happiest person I know. The best advice he gave me was;

  • I should quit the U.S. education system, and learn what I want to learn
  • I should do something crazy, such as start working on an oil rig in Alaska at 16
  • Advice is inherently worthless; I need to learn my own lessons if I really want to live my life, so advice is probably the least useful thing I will ever get

These may all seem like pretty bad bits of advice (maybe not tho, cuz the last one tho, like, what do that mean? it so deep for me to undrstand), and by conventional standards, I guess they are bad. By my standards, the’re best. This is because they speak to me. They reach into my inner psyche to find and express in words the true desires of my heart. I think that is the way to tell if you just got good advice or bad/regular advice (both of which, are essentially as valuable as Hallmark Card greetings); Does the advice feel like it’s what you have been trying to say but had no words for? Does it express you?

Bottom line: Does the advice lead you to something good, or does it lead you to your desires?

Now, for something completely different;

(CEO speaking at what looks like a major advertising firm’s end of year party) Great job people! We got it got it done; a 500 word post.” *cheering* “It wasn’t a cake walk; It looked real grim at times.” *sighs of agreement* “The original 1000 word draft… the 600 word first edit… the oddly longer 760 word re-edit… the ridiculously short 4.5 word re-re-edit…” (someone in crowd) “it was fuckin’ tiny” (guest speaker in response to comment) “You’re right Dale, you are exactly right… That is indeed what she said.” *laughter* “But truly; outstanding job folks, outstanding. You took on a challenge, AND YOU GAVE BACK RESULTS!*cheering* “So have fun tonight; lord knows you’ve earned it… In fact he said he wouldn’t even be watching so…”  (leans head down shaking ‘no’ and chuckling)-{begin song fade in: Wizard by Martin Garrix. [Begin track at 1:00 min]. As song winds up, add fast image flashing of ‘Club’ scenes; dancing, drinking, partying. At the bass drop: 1/2 second close-up shot of a line of coke snorted through a rolled bill-[play at 1.25 speed] :after bass drop no more image flashing. Image flashing stops with dance club booth: actual shot will be of CEO character in same position at end of speech; starts with head down, quickly brings head up (almost wiplash maybe), eyes wide open, white dusting his nose.) END SCENE: BLANK-ROLL 12-483S; FOLLOWED BY ‘CLUB SCENE’. PRE-SHOT: CLEAR. BLANK-ROLL 13-192S: